Goodbye, my sweet baby girl

There is a time for everything. “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Today we weep.

We stayed home all morning to maximize our time with Baby M. The county social worker would pick her up before 2:00. I was running around trying to remember last-minute things to pack.

The boys played outside in the rain while Baby M watched for a bit. I sat down on the floor with her, stared into her huge eyes, and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. It’s been a wonderful three and a half months with you, precious girl.
She had seemed extra clingy the past few days and I wondered if she had a feeling that things were about to change. 
My mother-in-law stopped by to give Baby M kisses and hugs. Jeremy also came home for a moment and held her one last time.
I put Baby M down for a nap and quickly printed out a sleep and meal schedule to pass onto her aunt. The social worker came at 1:45 and took the huge drawstring bag that had originally came from Orangewood. Now, it was completely full. The diaper bag and the car seat also went out to her car.
My boys took Baby M out of her crib and played with her for just a few last moments as I changed her diaper.
We walked out to the car together but my tears didn’t come until after I had buckled her in, watching my 3 boys say their goodbyes and give her many kisses. Josiah had already started sobbing. 
As we reentered the house, Jadon went straight to his room while Josiah and I sobbed on the couch. I heard wailing from a bedroom and called for Jadon. He didn’t come. He was in this:
The boys had been building forts on their bunk bed the past few days.  I would have laughed if I wasn’t crying already and if it wasn’t the perfect example of how he felt. Crawling into a tight space like a cocoon to curl up and grieve. He came out of his hammock to me and we joined Josiah back on the couch. I told them they are the perfect big brothers for all our foster babies because they know how to care for and love them.  Questions about Baby X and when would we see him again…would we ever see Baby M again? Probably not because we hadn’t known her family for that long.  More tears.  Baby X’s family was willing to keep in touch. 
Josiah: Why don’t we ever get someone our age? 
Me: Well, because we wouldn’t be able to homeschool him and it’s easier for me to take care of a baby. 
Josiah: I wish we could move into our new house quicker.
Me: We’ll be moving in just a couple of weeks. Why?
Josiah: So we can get another baby again.

Oh, my dear sons I love your tender hearts. We hurt because we love. 
Judah had been finishing up his lunch this whole time and didn’t know what to think of the rest of us huddled on the couch for 30 minutes talking and weeping. I called him over to pray.
Prayed for God to take care of Baby M, that she would be loved, that she would transition easily to her aunt, that she wouldn’t grieve for too long, that she would one day know her Creator and give her life to Jesus.

Yes, with love comes grief. It is inevitable. If we didn’t love, grief wouldn’t come. She is the Lord’s and we entrust her to Him. But right now, our hearts break as we learn to hold loosely all over again. Goodbye, sweet baby girl.

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